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Rattling My Brain
by Phyllis Schlafly

phyllis schlafly Hi again, Phyllis here!

Let me come right to the point: We Conservatives are on a roll and I don't mean a French roll! The statewide initiative process has once again delivered us from evil -- the anti-homo marriage issue brought out hundreds of thousands of Evangelicals to have their votes counted for the first time ....and in the case of Ohio, several times each! (Those voting computer thingies are great---I knew God must have had a good reason to invent electricity....even though it has led to housewives with way too much time on their hands and way too many disgusting devices in their bedside table drawers...... )

Anyhoo, now we have a great opportunity! I am ready to announce two NEW initiatives that we plan to introduce by gathering signatures in every state where there happens to be a Wal-Mart parking lot...which, happily, excludes Vermont, home of the Liberal do-gooders for whom "higher prices" ranks just below "cheaper sex" on their Agenda for America.

The first initiative we plan to "submit" (pardon the pun!) is "The Defense of Marriage Vows Act," which will undo the damage the Liberals did back in the sickening '60s when, after expelling God from the public schools, they expelled common sense from the wedding ceremony by deleting the word "Obey." I say it's time put a little discipline back in the bedroom, and if that cute Tucker Carlson will give me a call, I'd be happy to go into my feelings about this in much... much...greater detail.

The second initiative is the "Healthy Homes Act." This will codify in law what we all know in our heads -- that a child should be raised in a home with two married parents, a man and a woman. The law will give every single mother 6 months to find a man to marry before we find one for her. Some have argued for simply sticking the mother in prison and placing the children with a normal family in a better suburb, but this seems to create an undue burden on the......oh, excuse me...I think I hear someone in the.....

Oh, hello Ann. I didn't hear you come in, was I expecting you? ....What?....What is that in your hand?......What are doing?....What IS that? Is that my....?? .....Have you been going through my bedside table drawer???!? ......You put that back!...Put it back! NOW!!!.....OUCH!!!!! OW!!!! STOP THAT! STOP HITTING ME......WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!?......YOWWW!!! AHH!!...Ahhh......Uh.......phlump!

anncoulterYou've probably figured out from the bludgeoning I just administered that you are now reading the words of Ann Coulter. Keep reading or I might show up at your house, too, with unfortunate consequences. You've been warned.

Under normal circumstances, it would be the height of irresponsibility for me to beat a fellow Conservative commentator insensible with her own dildo, especially a leader with as long and honorable a history as Mrs. Phyllis Schlafly. So, let me explain.

For those of you too young (or in the case of Liberals, too busy selling heroin to teenage mothers out the window of your Prius) to remember, Mrs. Schlafly led the fight many years ago against an earlier generation -- or rather, DE-generation -- of Liberals who wanted to deface the Constitution with something they called "equal" rights for something they spelled Wymyn. As Phyllis patiently explained at the time, this so-called "Equal Rights Amendment," would have only resulted in gals being given manly military jobs like torturing and humiliating prisoners of war. Thankfully, the ERA did not pass and women were never called upon to perform such unpleasant tasks. The death of the ERA marked the last time some nutcase pressure group would ever try to amend the Constitution to further its own brand of bizarre social policy.

Indeed, Mrs. Schlafly, or as she prefers to be called, "Benito," has done great service to this country and to our cause. So it was with deep regret that that I felt it necessary to cave her head in.

But last month, right here in this publication, she called me a slut. I'm sure it was all in good fun, but nonethess. See, the only person I ever let get away with calling me that was Bob Guccione Junior and that was years ago and let's face it, the name might have fit, except I don't remember much about those days because whenever we'd sneak into his Dad's gold-plated slush-fund party-pad he'd slap on a bunch of Senior's powerful after-shave and it always made me terrifically woozy. (And weak in the knees, too, but that might have been the malnutrition and early onset osteoperosis.)

Anyway, unless Phyllis has grown about 9 inches where it matters and added a bunch a vowels to her name, she's not entitled to call me anything. I'm just glad I remembered where she kept her Jack Rabbit. (She got it as a "joke" present from the American Library Association, a bunch of Liberal Lesbians with a flair for metaphor.) That thing packs quite a, it's good for hitting people in the head, too! Get it?

Gotta run....the sycophantic ironists at the New York Observer are buying me lunch and all I have to do is say a few gratuitously mean things about Alan Combs, which is like shooting a walrus in a bathtub. Poor guy. It must be hard to keep your mind on refuting my intricately reasoned arguments after watching me go down on Sean Hannity during the Cialis commercial......


All celebrity voices are impersonated.