A is for Apple: The Big Book of Religions
Volume 1: A-J

A is for Apple
See the apple? Apples are sweet and tasty! They help us run fast and climb high! Apples contain vitamins and minerals that keep us healthy. An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

An apple also got Adam and Eve expelled from the Garden of Eden. This was the "original sin" you may have heard mentioned. You see, when God first created the world, he put a massive tree, the Tree of Knowledge, smack-dab in the middle of the Garden. But he told Adam and Eve that they weren't allowed to eat any of the sweet, tasty, vitamin-filled apples that grew on it. Whether this was a fair test isn't the point. The point is, They Failed, thus condemning the human race to a miserable existence outside the Garden, wracked with pain and punctuated with death.

Remember all this next time you think Mom won't miss "just one cookie" off that plate she told you not to touch.


B is for Babel
Back in the old days, a bunch of people thought it would be really cool to build a tower that reached all the way to Heaven. God didn't like this idea so he caused a cloud of confusion to descend upon the people. Suddenly, no one could understand one another. They were all speaking different languages, and soon they began fighting. Ultimately, the project fell apart, and the Middle East has never been the same.


C is for Ceres
Since before dawn of recorded history, mankind has depended upon the wholesome goodness of natural grain for survival. Ceres was the Roman goddess of grain, and it is from her name that the word "cereal" is derived.

So the next time you're enjoying a tasty bowl of your favorite cereal, remember to thank the goddess Ceres by sacrificing a small mammal on an alter of marble.


D is for Demeter
Before the rise of the Roman civilization, the ancient Greeks had Demeter to thank for their grain harvest. But when the Romans rose to prominence, they copied the Greek's gods, but just changed the names around some. The Greeks were all like, "Hey, get your own gods!" And the Romans were all like, "Veni, vidi, vici, suckers." So long, Demeter; hello, Ceres.

Sort of like when Daddy's company changed owners, and they brought in some guy from Atlanta to do Daddy's job, which is why Daddy stays home and drinks now.


E is for Eros
Greek god of Love.

Someone should tell that little bastard to mind his own business.








F is for Faerie
The Faerie are capricious little sprites, rarely seen by humans. They live in a dimension adjacent to our own, but we humans cannot pass freely back and forth as the Faerie folk can. The most famous type of faerie is the Tooth Faerie. If a child leaves a lost tooth under his or her pillow, the Tooth Faerie will exchange it for a shiny new quarter!

Less famous, but far more generous, are the Booger Fairies.


G is for Gomorrah
Ancient city of sin and vice! Las Vegas, New Orleans, and Amsterdam rolled into one! Until God destroyed it.

Thanks, Big Guy. Thanks a lot.


H is for Horus
Horus the Avenger. The son of Osiris; the slayer of Set. He was among the most revered of the Egyptian gods and had as his consort Nephia... Nephia, who was so incredibly lovely that no mortal who caught a glimpse of her could ever bear to tear his eyes away.

And get this... Horus had a bird head. Now how do you get a babe like that with a bird head?!

I'll tell you exactly how. It's about power, kids. It's all about power.


I is for Icarus
Icarus was the son of Daedelus. Explaining what happened to Icarus is going to require a bit of back-story.

You see, Daedelus was the greatest scientific mind of ancient Greece. He invented the sail, the compass, the potter's wheel, and many other critical tools that benefitted mankind immeasurably.

Daedelus made da Vinci, Edison, and Einstein look like Best Buy employees. But then he fell from favor with the goddess Athena and fled Greece for Crete, where evil King Minos was happy to employ him. It was there that Daedelus created the fearsome minotaur, a half-man/half-bull monster, and a labyrinth so complex that no man lost within it could ever find his own way out. For his trouble, Daedelus was imprisoned in the labyrinth along with his son. King Minos began to fear the awesome intelligence of Daedelus, and that which we fear, we grow to hate. So you see, it doesn't pay to be too smart. But that's another lesson for another day. Back to Icarus...

Icarus & Daedelus escaped the labyrinth when Daedelus unlocked the secrets of the birds and constructed two pairs of wings, that he and his son might fly to freedom. Daedelus cautioned Icarus not to fly too close to the sun, as the feathers were affixed to the wing-frame by wax which might melt under the heat. But did Icarus listen? No. And what happened? He plummeted to his death.

You see what happens to children who don't listen to their parents? They die.


J is for Judas
Or Saint Judas, as I think he should be known. Patron Saint of people who get the short end of the stick. Let's review the case, shall we? Before Judas' supposed "betrayal" of Christ, Jesus himself said, and I quote, "One of you will betray me," then he pointed the finger at Judas.

Was Christ just a lucky guesser? No. Christ knew what was going to happen because this series of events was pre-ordained by God. Therefore, technically, Judas was not acting of his own free will. And even if he were, what's so bad about the betrayal anyhow? The Christian cause and effect goes: Betrayal = Capture = Crucifixion = Resurrection = Spiritual Redemption for Mankind. Judas is a vital link in that chain!

Judas did the hard job, the thankless job. Without Judas, Jesus is just another troublemaker from Nazareth who fades into obscurity after his fifteen minutes are over. But with Judas, he is Saviour, Lord, Prince of Peace, etc.

Poor Judas. Another example of the little guy getting screwed by the system.