Destination: Australia!
Now that the dog days of summer are firmly upon us, many of you are no doubt thinking of escaping the sweltering heat with a vacation to Australia. But you're probably wondering, "What's it like? Is there anything to do?" Oh my, yes! Australia is a beautiful land with a rich, intriguing culture and history. And similar to England, the locals speak a form of American, which makes it easy to find the bathrooms! So without further adieu, let’s throw another Barbie™ at some shrimp and learn all about Australia!
Geography & Culture
Geographically, Australia is located in the ocean. It is also in the unique position of being both a country and a continent (or "Countrinent," as geographers say). Many countries throughout history have tried to get a whole continent (or two) all to themselves, and some have come close, but so far only Australia has actually managed to truly live this universal dream. But that is hardly the only unique thing about Australia!
Australia is often referred to by its nickname “The Land of the Leprechaun,” just like in that 80's pop song by Men Without Hats. Leprechauns are mischievous little sprites, and legend has it that if you catch one, he will give you all his treasure in exchange for freedom!
Of course, that would be illegal here in the States. We call it kidnapping and extortion, but you must remember that Australia was originally settled by convicts, so they have certain traditions that reflect that heritage. But don’t let their ignoble beginnings dissuade you from exploring this amazing countrinent. Most of the original settlers have died of old age, and Australia is now as safe as any foreign country (or countrinent) is ever expected to be!
The Australian people are, by and large, a hearty, good-natured breed with great gusto for food, drink, and sport. They have an independent spirit and play by their own rules. Australian Rules Football, for example, is much faster paced and more violent than American Football. Similarly, Australian Rules Chess is much faster paced and more violent than American Football. But Australia has a rich artistic legacy as well! Famous Australians in the arts include Crocodile Dundee, The Crocodile Hunter, Mozart, and Arnold Schwarzeneggar.
Though Australia is vast, the population is concentrated on the fringe of the countrinent because the central regions are mostly inhospitable wasteland. Social scientists call this "The Detroit Effect."
Pawn to Queen 4
Major cities of Australia include Sydney (pronounced “Sidney”), Melbourne (pronounced “Melborn”), and Perth (pronounced “Perth”). The capital city of Australia, however, is... not one of these.
*Note to self:
find out capital of Australia before publication
Fauna of the Outback
If you're one of those people who can tolerate animals, you’ll find the wildlife of Australia is among the most interesting in the world! The national symbol of Australia is the majestic kangaroo. These noble beasts travel in "prides" throughout the rugged outback of Australia. At night, the rocky bluffs reverberate with their mighty roars.
And who could resist the charms of one of the cutest, most popular bears in the world, Australia’s lovable Giant Panda! The Giant Panda is native to the Sydney Metropolitan Zoo region of Australia, and feeds primarily on bamboo and some type of brown food pellet, which it forages from a plastic bowl.
Another animal commonly associated with Australia is the dingo. The dingo is about two feet tall with reddish brown fur. They are usually dog-shaped, but can be distinguished from the domestic dog by the fact that they don’t bark. Distinguishing them from mute dogs is a more difficult task, best left to a licensed member of the Dingo Distinguishing Council. The dingoes primary food source is human children, so be sure to keep the little ones in the car when traveling through the outback, unless you have a large life insurance policy on them.
These creatures of the outback are all extremely interesting, but do remember that no matter how cute they may be, they are wild animals. The only safe way to encounter them is at Outback Steakhouse.
Kangaroo Giant Panda Dingo






But of all the fauna of Australia, perhaps the most unusual is the platypus. The platypus evolved slowly over millions of years from a common beaver that was wearing a novelty duck-bill during mating season. The duck-billed platypus is one of only two species of monotreme—a sub-family of mammals, which lays eggs instead of giving birth to live young. Or dead young, for that matter. The other monotreme, the echidna, is also native to Australia, but in a monotreme death-match the platypus would surely win. Although the echidna has a coat of sharp spines like a porcupine, seeming to give it an advantage, the platypus has poisonous spurs on its hind legs that can easily kill a dingo, much less a stupid little echidna. That’s right. Poisonous spurs! And a duck-bill.
Coastal Activities & Site Seeing
Because Australia is essentially a huge island, it has lots of oceanfront property, unlike Detroit which has hardly any. The sparkling blue seas that surround the country offer almost limitless opportunities for the outdoorsman, outdoorswoman, or outdoorstransvestite. Swimming, water skiing, snorkeling, and surfing are but a few of the recreational activities available to anyone willing to brave the shark-infested waters.
But do be careful of the Box Jellyfish, sometimes called the "Sea Wasp," as even a moderate sting from these venomous, transparent invertebrates can bring death within minutes. The excruciating, debilitating pain of these stings makes one an easy target for Australia's large, saltwater crocodile, Crocodilus porosus, widely known as a man-eater. Also, be wary of the thirty-one different species of highly venomous sea snakes that constantly prowl the coastal waters looking for victims.
There are many poisonous land snakes as well. The most dangerous include the taipans, the smooth snakes, the tiger snakes, the brown snakes, and the death adders, which, although smaller than the other deadly snakes, have large fangs, a lightning-fast strike, and very toxic venom, hence the name “death adder” as opposed to “minor inconvenience adder.” There are also many deadly spiders, the best known being the funnel-web spider and the red-back. But I digress. This is about coastal features, not the inland areas.
Perhaps the most incredible feature of Australia’s coast is the extraordinary Great Barrier Reef. A "coral reef " is composed primarily of coral in a reef-like formation. Coral is one of the few living things in Australia that isn't trying to kill you, and as such is a very popular tourist destination. According to some Discovery Channel thing I saw, it is the largest coral reef in the world, stretching over 1,200 miles. I don't know if they meant side-to-side or up-and-down, but either way that's pretty big!
But Wait, There's More!
While on your vacation, you may wish to make a side trip to nearby New Zealand, which, by the way, is a vast improvement over the original Zealand in my opinion. They really got it right this time! Unlike New Guinea, which is a total sham. They just re-painted a couple of buildings. Pfft! That ain't new!
But of course, no essay on Australia would be complete without an in-depth examination of the native Aboriginal culture and their complex, magical "Dreamtime" concept of existence.

And so in conclusion, I hope you’ll enjoy visiting Australia as much as I enjoyed getting paid for this article.