Reagan Funeral Held Over!		LETTER FROM THE PUBLISHER STOP THE FCC FROM NOT STOPPING THE FILTH! Hi! This is the space where, month after month I’ll be able to share with you my scribblings on a wide range of topics, from the political “scene” to home improvement tips to my favorite foods (spicy!) to what I think when I think about my wife (spicy!) and the state of my gums. Almost none of this will of the remotest interest to anyone but no one is making you read it and the newsletter is free anyway. It’s sort of like shock radio... if you don’t like it, you can simply turn it off, except that you won’t which is why we need the FCC to turn it off for you. Thanks for listening.
July 3, 2004 - The National Period of Mourning for late President Ronald Reagan officially ended its scheduled run today. However, the grief will go on -- the road! -- as the Gipper’s historic farewell fete begins a summer multi-state tour. Bonzo Still Boffo      Producers of the event believe that saying goodbye to the former President is something that the American people will continue to enjoy, possibly forever.      According to one backer of the project, who refused to give his name, which is Ed Meese, “The response to the original production was fantastic, so there’s really no reason to shut the production down. Each succeeding generation will want to mourn his passing in its own way, which happens to be standing along freeways watching his hearse drive by just like OJ. We intend to give them the chance to do it , again and again and again.” Market Reaction      At the New York Stock Exchange, which will remain closed pending the final, final burial of the president’s remains sometime in 2014, reaction was muted. As one trader put it, “It’s understandable, but I don’t really understand it.”
Political Reaction      President Bush cheered Democrats when he confirmed that he will attempt to gain political advantage by following behind the cortege as it drives along its 7,000 mile route, which will take it through key swing states. “We’ll be driving to Ohio, South Dakota, Hawaii and all of contagious states....such memories, such fun!”
Democrats Go To John For Number Two!
President Bush Reacts to Kerry's VP Announcement -- Blat Audio Exclusive!
click to play!
Southern Californian Accuses All of “Having Work Done”
A Los Angeles woman today accused everyone she knows and everyone she doesn’t know of having had various forms of cosmetic surgery. The woman, who claims not have had any such procedures herself, revealed a long list of her contemporaries whom she knows for sure have enhanced their appearances artificially.     The list incudes every female lawyer, real estate agent, business executive, film and television performer, and everyone else above the age of 16 who is not a man. When asked to comment on several names, both famous and unknown, the woman asserted, “Her? Oh, she’s had work done. Believe me.”     The source also had firm information about many of the area's males, a large number of whom have had, according to her, “work done.” (Usually just a little tuck around the eyes.)     The woman’s husband was available for comment, but was found crouching in a corner with his hands over his ears, drooling and making incoherent noises, so we left him alone.     It was unclear whether he had had any work done.