The Fourth of July started out as a prank by Thomas Jefferson. He was a very important guy for his time. Being still a little British, he was a bit dry. But he was a notorious ladies man with a taste for "brown sugar." The original Fourth of July document was written originally on July the Fifth. But he realized that the Fifth of July was "too lame," so he decided the Fourth of July would fare better, for numerological reasons. (See below.) So he went and changed the date on it. He messed it all up with all of the crossing out and what have you, so he had to re-write the whole thing really fast. Which is why no one can read it. Or even understand it today. Somebody said he tried to write it without using the letter "e." Weird, but whatever.

The point is, it just looks official. So they made it that way. And they also made it look very old. A lot of people think that it got that way because of time. Nope. John Q. Adams took a pee on it. I heard that he was drunk. Not because of the stress from Thomas Jefferson getting it written down again and all, but because he was just always lit. Hence his son's beer. (Samuel Adams). Most people don't know that. It's true. He made the beer as a tribute to his dad because J.Q. got killed in the very first Fourth of July boating accident. That's why every Fourth of July since then, people have been getting blitzed in boats and then getting killed. It's about "the tribute!" The tribute to John Quincy Adams! The tribute to America! Freedom! Free America! Live on, George Whisker-Biscuit!

Celebratory Observance:
You want to know how to make for a good time this Fourth of July? Let's blow some shit up!! With Fireworks!! Yah-hooo! KaaaaaaaaaaBoom!!

The original fireworks came from China. Back then, it was called Cathay which was considered "very gay." Consequently, they were pissed off. So they started reproducing faster than any other country, so that one day they could build an army that would be so big that all they would ever have to do is form a straight line. That line would be so long that it would wrap around the world about five hundred times and kill everybody.

One day this will happen.

But until that day, we will always have the Chinese to thank for fireworks. They made them to make all the babies stop crying. Sorry! It didn't work! Tee-hee! Babies still cry.

Anyway, fireworks make pretty colors when you light 'em, and they explode which causes that boom sound that you hear. But, the Cathay-ese never put two and two together, so they never progressed from the little bottle rocket things that we know today to ICBM's.

Okay, so say you don't have the time to build one of those big, incontinent rockets. You can start out small.

Remember:
The reason we burn fireworks on the Fourth of July is because it makes for a more important day. (A day with a big noise and some hearing loss is a day we won't forget!) Not only that, but exploding fireworks in the sky are supposed to simulate what the Revolutionary Army was looking at when they were fighting the War For The Independents. The next time you're with your friends burning some fireworks, squint real hard and you'll see it how they saw it. Really blurry, because they were crazy drunk.

If you live in the City:
Go to the edge of town where you can buy as much as you want and bring them right back into town. Hire an off-duty policeman to make sure you get them into town safely. And don't forget to tip him. ("How about a fiver?" you say to the policeman.) He might even let you fire his gun. But make sure he defines "gun" upfront.

Also, in some cities, it is customary to give all the fireworks you buy to the police and fire departments, so they can call up a local TV station to send out a cameraman to film them blowing it all up. Some of the cops and firemen may have had a nip or two, or hit the "evidence bottles" before lighting the towering pile of fireworks. It's about fun. It's about being high. It's also about being high on a tradition, a warm, smoking, screaming hearth for America's little locale. On your own little corner of the Tee Vee.

If you live in the Country:
Don't worry about buying anything. The idea is the same. The result is the same. You want to make a big noise. So set fire to anything that will make some noise after you light it. How about an old tractor doused with kerosene. Or an old bottle of nitro-glycerine an old farmer dude might have lying around for removing tree stumps. Or just light the old farmer. After you feed him some beans. Hint: Just wait for the fart. Kablooie! That agrarian expert will be sailin' skyward with his entrails trailin'!

Here are some safety ideas:
1. Divvy up all the fireworks evenly to avoid the fist-fight later.
2. Drink a lot so as not to feel the sting of the fist-fight later.
3. Decide ahead of time who's going to be British and make sure they're cool with it, because the British are totally gay.
4. Whoever is the British one has to use the gay accent, too.
5. You must light the fireworks. You won't believe how many kids confidences are crushed when not told about this.

Fourth of July for Dummies:
Okay. We're here at the end. You're saying to yourself, "How the heck am I going to remember the Fourth of July and all those other holidays you blow stuff up on? They add about two more holidays a year!" Yep. They sure do. Now we have Sinko Demayo. Who even knows what that one's for? It's like Chariots of the Gods, no one knows. Anyway. Okay. So that Sinko deal is in May. Hmmm. You've got one in May... One in July...

This one is easy! Blow up at least one firework a day for the whole year.

"Easy as Pie!" Or: "Easy as Feet!" as they say south of the border.

Numerology:
Here's how to do Numerology:
The United States' birthday, according to the Constitution was July 4th, 1776. So they say, anyway... It was a long time ago.

Okay. Now you write it out like this: 7-4-1776. First add the 7. Okay, that equals 7.

Next, add 7 and 4. You will probably get 11. Now you want to add up 1776. Tricky, huh? When I first tried this, I thought it had been done, right? One thousand seven hundred and seventy six. Eeeeasy! Wrong'em boyo! It's actually one thousand seven hundred and seventy nine! Why? Because in numerology, that's just the way it's done!

So. Now you add 11 to 1776 (1779) and you get: 11+1779. Wow!

"Is that your final answer?" as ol' St. Regis Philbin would say.

Yes. 11+1779! Which happens to be a lucky number!

Because numerology says so.

Luck, on! Lucky America!