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Rattling My Brain
by Phyllis Schlafly

phyllis schlafly Whew! What a wonderful dream! I was taking a little catnap and found myself watching Jesus float gently back to Earth, hunt down Katrina vanden Heuvel and rip her face off her head with his bare hands! It's so nice to wake up refreshed!

Say, that election gave us all a few palpitations, didn't it? I was on pins and needles all night -- as well as a few little goodies that got "Rushed" over to me a while back for safekeeping -- but in the end God triumphed, kicking Liberal behind all over the country and giving that trial lawyer's wife cancer just for good measure.

It feels great, doesn't it? Not only did we win the election, but now we can rest assured that in at least 11 states the homos won't soon be debasing the institution of marriage like the rest of us. Of course, none of the states that passed the gay marriage ban have any gay people in them that I'm aware of, but it never hurts to plan ahead. What with this California stem cell research money, the homos are clearly planning to increase their numbers through cloning rather than teaching in the public schools, and pretty soon even the Red states might turn a rather sickly color of pink, if you get my meaning.

Speaking of states, isn't it strange how the people who voted for that Kerry creature are all from places no sane person would want to visit, much less live in? Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, New York, Washington, Oregon, California! While Bush supporters generally choose to settle in much more inviting locales, like Mississippi, Oklahoma and North Dakota.

Of course, we have to be careful. The Values battle will never be truly won as long as there are paid speaking engagements and publisher advances. That's because, except for the White House, the Senate, the House of Representatives, a majority of Governorships and half the Legislatures, the Liberals still control everything!

Just ask that poor Bill O'Reilly. Some young "woman" comes along (I will not call her a lady, after the way she didn't hang up on Bill so he could continue speaking in tongues in privacy) and the next thing, some evil trial lawyer is crawling up his -- well you know the rest. We did learn that Bill's big mouth is more than balanced by other equally impressive features. I guess Ann Coulter wasn't kidding. Slut.

Now that it's all over except for the shouting, the random searches and the expanded detentions, I've had a chance to jot down a few random thoughts I'd love to share with you.

--In the last days of the campaign, the liberal English medical journal Lancet announced that over 100,000 Iraqi civilians had been killed since the beginning of the war. What they conveniently didn't tell you is that during that very same period, over 1,000,000 condoms were forcefully distributed to American teenagers!!!

--Have you seen those funny bumper stickers that call Massachusetts TAXachusetts!? What a riot!

--Now that we are once again reassured that we live in a democracy and not a Stalinist abortion camp like John Kerry wanted, I think it's time we put a few more things on the ballot for a straight up or down vote. Evolution, for example.

tucker carlson--If there was an ounce of juice left in this old sack of sand I call me, that cute Tucker Carlson could turn on the tap for sure! His bow tie reminds me of my old sweetheart "Professor" Irwin Corey, who, by the way, was no slouch in the "O'Reilly" department either!

irwin corey

--I'm getting sleepy again, so I think I'll go back to bed now and see who else Jesus is ripping to shreds! Hint: He could do worse than to start with Gore Vidal. (Perhaps one day I shall recount the story of an attractive middle aged lady who fell victim to a terrible schoolgirl crush on a dapper New York intellectual, so different from she and yet with a bow tie so enticing... a woman whose last chance at true happiness was only to be dashed forever upon learning the AWFUL SECRET... and who has ever since made a career of exposing the terrible danger of the Love Which Dare Not Come To Ohio and 10 Other States... and... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Oh, hello Jesus... nice gun...


All celebrity voices are impersonated.