Moliere's The Bachelor

people As the scene opens, Sir Frederick and Lou, a manservant, are conversing downstage L as three women are upstage R.

SIR FREDERICK
As we reach the end of this fine session,
I cannot shake my first impression.
Compared to all the other dames,
"The Dimple" is actually much older than she claims.

LOU
(stuttering)
Sht-sht-sht-sht-sht...

SIR FREDERICK
The "Dimple," the "Dimple," I repeat.
Do not tell me to be discreet.

LOU
But, butt!

SIR FREDERICK
I tire, Butler, of your buts.
(aside)
At every turn, he interrupts.

LOU
(to himself)
F-f-Fuck.

SIR FREDERICK
(loudly)
The women standing there, those three.
Eventually, one'll belong to me.

LOU
(loudly)
Cunt. Cunt. Cunt!

SIR FREDERICK
(proclaiming, over Lou)
And she shall be mine forevermore,
or my name's not the Bachelor!

LOU
Asshole!

SIR FREDERICK
(ignoring him)
You see the short one standing right?
Her corset's tightened very tight.
To tame her bosom so it fits.
I've given her the name of Tits.

LOU
Tits!

SIR FREDERICK
The middle with a rear end ample
t'would make any man want to sample.
She is what a grown man seeks.
I've given her the name of Cheeks.

LOU
Cheeks!

SIR FREDERICK
But, I ask, they think us fools?
I thought, in this game, there were rules.
I asked for young, I thought it simple,
but with these two, they gave me Dimple.
(he looks toward the third woman, then explains)
Last night, the women that I chose,
each one I gave a perfect rose.
To meet this morn there in the thick,
examine each and make my pick.

LOU
Prick!

SIR FREDERICK
The first was Tits, so very pure.
I'd be her first, you can be sure.
Then Cheeks arrived, yes, she was next.
She stood right there, with buttocks flexed.
With both of them, I felt elated,
then Dimple came, I was deflated.

LOU
(loud)
Bitch!

SIR FREDERICK
Sir, I must insist
you hold your tongue to hear my list.
(aside)
I have so much upon my mind,
if I stop now I'll fall behind.

LOU
BEE-hind!

Sir Frederick holds his hand over Lou's mouth to stifle him, but Lou keeps mumbling incoherently.

SIR FREDERICK
These things I say, you can be sure,
will prove to you Dimple's mature.

LOU
M-m-m-mf.

SIR FREDERICK
She, after'r beauty rest,
her eyes were dull, her hair was messed.
Her gums rode high above her teeth,
her hair was black, but gray peeked beneath.
Her skin was dull, not pink but white.
And'r ample arms held cellulite.
So, though she has a real nice dimple,
I dare not go beneath the wimple!

He takes hand off Lou's mouth.

LOU
Cocksucker!

The three women have moved next to the men.

MARY
(to other two women)
It seems as if they've gotten worse.
They do not recognize their nurse.
So, give these pills. Yes, you part-timers.
(gives pill bottle to one)
You do Tourette's.
(gives pill bottle to other)
You do Alzheimer's.

the end