Monet's Haystacks

Gustave Durant sat behind his polished oak desk paying bills. His secretary, a brunette with big ass and breasts, entered his office.

"Monsieur Durant?"

"One second Olympia. I'm filling out this check. What's the date today?"

"It's June 19th, 1893."

"And what's the name of the power company here?"

"It's the South of France power company."

Gustave spoke as he filled out the check. "The South of France... 1893. I've got that established; what did you want, Olympia?"

"Claude Monet is here to see you."

"Please send him in."

Gustave watched her big ass wiggle out the door and be immediately replaced by a robust man with a thick beard, worn but comfortable clothes and a timid gate. The whole "suffer for your art" thing bored Gustave, but he knew you had to humor these types and talk about 'the artistic vision' and 'working from your soul' and all that other crap. Gustave's fake smile turned genuine when he saw Monet's portfolio was thick with canvases.

"Claude Monet!" exclaimed Gustave, "Come in, sit down. It's so wonderful to see you."

"You're happy to see me? We haven't talked in a while. I thought you were still mad because my last 3 exhibits didn't go so well."

"Claude, I've been you're agent for over 15 years. I could never be mad at you, you're one of my favorite artists."

"I know, but the last three exhibits I haven't sold many paintings."

"You haven't sold ANY paintings, but that's okay. So the public didn't like your 60 different paintings of hay stacks. What do those Philistines know about art? They wouldn't recognize culture if it snuck up behind them and boned them in the ass, am I right?"

Monet reluctantly agreed, scared to prolong the conversation. "The reason I'm here is because I have some new paintings to show you."

"That's what I like to hear. Claude, you're the man. I can't wait to see."

Monet bent down to open his portfolio and said, "I think it's the best work I've ever done."

Gustave immediately became nauseated whenever he heard an artist utter those words. "Please Claude, tell me they're not hay stacks."

"They're not."

"Thank God. What do you have for me, my friend? I'm ready."

"It's a grain stack!" exclaimed the painter as he revealed a painting identical to his last 60.

"It looks like a hay stack."

"I know, it's amazing how similar grain stacks and hay stacks are."

"Monet you're killing me. We have to talk. You've been painting these hay stacks for over a year. Snap out of it, kid."

"I like hay stacks."

"I've picked up on that, but they're not selling. Let it go! You can't just paint the same thing over and over."

"Gauguin paints the same thing," Monet said defensively.

"Yeah. Naked Ladies! Here's a news flash; people don't like hay stacks. They like NAKED LADIES!"

"Farmers like hay stacks."

"As an Art Dealer how could I forget the lucrative "Farmer Market?" Farmers don't want paintings of hay stacks; they want to see dogs playing croquet. Now those I can sell."

"I don't care if they sell. I don't want to do dog paintings. I'm trying to show how the emotions of sunlight can effect an ordinary object. These luminous hay stacks, when permeated by the sun, force colors to disperse and mingle and reveal the inexplicable magic that is God's touch."

"BORING! Come on baby you have to work with me; we need to get you out of your rut. I got an idea. Olympia!" he shouted to the next room. "Could you please step in here?"

Olympia entered. "Yes sir?"

"I'm trying to find a model to pose for Monet. Would you be willing to do it?"

"I'd be honored."

"I must warn you, Olympia," said Gustave, "There might be some nudity."

"I don't mind."

"What do you say, Claude?"

Monet turned to the voluptuous beauty, "No offence Olympia, but I'm not painting the human figure. I'm concentrating on landscapes now." Monet showed her his painting 'Hay Stack at Dawn' .

Olympia awe struck by it's beauty. "It's stunning. The way the lights changes the color of the haystack. It's hauntingly beautiful. It really emphasizes the unimaginable power of your pallet."

"Get the hell out of here, Olympia!" screamed Gustave. Olympia hurried out the door.

"You see, Mr. Durant? I think she understands what I'm trying to do."

"Good idea Monet. Don't listen to me, a guy who's been in the art business for 35 years; take the word of a whore who wants to take her clothes off for money."

"But she understands the painting. This is a haystack at dawn."

"Let me see that." Gustave studied the painting. "My god, you're right! It is a haystack at dawn. If I only had a haystack at 10 am."

"I've got one out in the wagon, want me to go get it?" asked Monet happily.

"Don't bother, I already have an ass-full of hay stack paintings.

"You have to trust me Mr. Durant, these paintings are going to be worth a lot of money someday."

"In that case I hope I can fit them all in my time machine! I'm sorry Claude, but I don't think we can work together anymore."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Mr. Durant. If you can just give me back my other paintings, I'll leave."

"I threw them out back in the pond."

"The pond! I don't believe this." Monet ran out the back doors and searched desperately in hopes of saving his work.

"I'm just trying to help you, Claude." Gustave yelled out the window. "You really need to get over your hay stacks."

"I can't find them. Where are they?"

"There right there in the pond. Under the water lillies."

Monet stared at the green leaves floating in the water that reflected the sky. "The Water Lillies!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, the water lillies," barked Gustave. "Why don't you paint those, you jack ass."