Quadrennial Halloween Horror Issue: Jeff Mandel Responds

four more years! As a humorist and board certified shepherd trying to find work in Hollywood, it is important that you understand I AM NOT A REPUBLICAN!

I consider myself a "classical liberal" along the lines of Tammy Bruce, Andrew Sullivan, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Alan Colmes, Col. Sanders, etc. I consider each issue and each candidate carefully and on its own merits. I study the all facts in great detail and then I vote for the Republican.

The Left accuses us of being "simplistic" in our thoughts, unable to perceive or understand "nuance." "The world," they say, "is not black and white, it is various shades of grey."

I guess that must be true because, for the life of me, I can't find any shades of grey or any nuance in the Left's position: "I hate George Bush!"

Whereas what I say all the time: "Now, which one is the one with the hot twin daughters? That's the guy I'm voting for!" is cluttered with nuance and shades of grey! So you Liberals can go eat your shorts. (If you liberals even have any shorts because you had to give them all up to "The State" so that "poor people" and "illegal immigrants" can eat your shorts for free!)

To say we are simplistic and impervious to nuance is a lie on the face of it. Bush's daughters are twins! TWINS! And yet no Republican I know of has ever had any trouble telling them apart! (Barbara, the dark haired one ( I think), is the one I am going to marry one day.)

Are either of the candidates perfect? Of course not. But you have to decide which imperfections you are more comfortable with. Kerry is a confabulist. His entire political worldview was fashioned by events that never happened. He made them all up in his fevered mind. He never ferried a CIA man who gave him a "magic hat" up the river in his Swift Boat to Cambodia. I know this is lie because I was that CIA man who he took there! I was also with George Bush when he "disappeared" from the National Guard. He wasn't "disappeared" at all! He was right with me the entire time at the dentist in Florida. A painful 36 hour marathon. And that man never ran out of steam or dollar bills! And if someone asked him for a lap dance, he would say "Maybe a little later" and they'd actually believe him and continue being nice to him!

This gay-marriage thing is another weirdness in the Left's thinking. Bush and Kerry are both against it. Both of them! So why does the People's Alternative Lifestyle Army support Kerry and not Bush? Look, OK, Bush may come off a little cocky. But Kerry comes off as crazy! Crazy or Cocky! That's your choice in November! And maybe I am guilty of being simplistic but your choice is obvious to me. I self-medicate ritualistically to avoid being "crazed" but I would think you National Citizens Brigade for Alternative-Lifestyle Comrades would relish four more years of being "cocked."

And Kerry doesn't just come off as crazy either. He really is crazy. (And not that "good" kind of crazy I imagine the dark-haired twin, Barbara to be: Breaking down into sobs after we make love and locking herself in the bathroom, or suddenly jumping up from the table at Pinot on our anniversary, throwing her drink in my face and running out because I innocently asked "How's your twin sister?)

And even if Kerry isn't strictly crazy, per se, he still looks like Herman Munster and sounds like Thurston Howell, III.

Who does Bush look and sound like on old TV shows? No one!

Why am I Republican? I'll tell you why. Because I'm not afraid to dream. I'm not afraid to look into the future and hope that the dark-haired twin, Barbara, reads this and falls in love with me the way I am in love with her. And she will seek me out, spending a fortune -but making very little dent in her dowry- to find me and confess her feelings for me. Soon, we'll get married and have children who can go on to become President, too. I will adopt her family name so that the line that began with Avraham and Sarah and continued through King David remains unbroken. Only in America.

But not John Kerry's America. (Probably not in George Bush's America either, but Barbara, if you're reading this, maybe we shouldn't tell him until after we're married.)

But Davidic blood lines mean nothing to you liberals. You lefties are sooooo afraid of George. You can't have it both ways. Do you think he's an idiot or an evil genius? You can't be both. Look. I admit that there are flaws in my dream for the future. What dream would be perfect without its flaws? For example, what if I were to confuse Barbara Bush, the pretty twin, with Barbara Bush, wife of George XXXXI? That would be a howler, huh? Something to tell the grandkids. But whose grandkids would they be?

UPDATE: I have just seen the substance of the Editor's essay Election 2004 and its criticism of George Bush: "He's a douchebag." Douchebag? Well, go ahead and call my hero and soon-to-be father-in-law, George Bush, a douchebag if you want. I'll bet that, like me, he doesn't know what it means. I just find it very telling that one part of that word is FRENCH!!

Oh my God, what is it with you liberals and your love of France? Is it using your face for sex? I just don't get it! Is it Rousseau? Is it Voltaire? Moliere? The Impressionists? The Post-Impressionists? Is it the food? The wine? The cheese? I mean, yes, all right, sure those are reasons to like France... but how would you ever get to know about it? On your oh-so-precious little PBS? Or maybe on one of your insufferable "vacances a France?" whatever the hell that is. Maybe next time you won't push past me so quickly on the Metro at Maubert Mutualite, maybe next time you'll stop and recognize that there's a fellow American having trouble with the language whose trousers are being stolen by this young boy-band on roller skates and who's already missed the last train to the Latin Quarter because he couldn't figure out the money. So if you want to love France, that's your business, but show a little compassion and ferme your bouche about it, OK?

You Lefties are so hysterical, so insufferable now, I can't imagine what you're going to be like after the Bush Landslide. Or 30 years from now when Little Jeffy Bush assumes the throne. All I can think to say is:

"Thank you, Barbara. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the next 30 years of happiness. Thank you for helping me to quit the pipe and make my life worth living. Thank you for Little Jeffy and Little Effie and DJ Baby J. Your love has never wavered and-- Oh. Wait. You're who now? Jenna. Who the hell is that? You know what? Never mind. Wax me up, Mama, and take me to the stars!"

[In the following exchange, the part of EDITOR is played by Jeff Mandel. - Ed.]

[EDITOR'S NOTE: In the course of fact-checking this article we very early on discovered that Jeff's certification with the California Shepherd Association, Inc. lapsed some 7 years ago. Neither The American Society of Shepherds or The National Sheep Herders and Goat Handlers Guild Including Llamas and Alpacas have any current record of a Jeff Mandel in good-standing. While this does not necessarily mean that Mr. Mandel was not at one time associated with these mandatory organizations or that he is not working as a shepherd, it does reflect on the rest of the information provided to us in Mr. Mandel's article. Readers are advised to take these discoveries into account.]

[MANDEL RESPONSE (90 seconds): First of all, if anyone takes the trouble to go back and check my actual statement instead of making things up to fit your facts, you will see I never said I was a practicing shepherd. It's there in black and white. I suggest you reread it. This is another example of your bias and your pathological need to "spin" everything. If you say it enough times, then people start believing it's true.

No matter what I say now, everyone will just remember that there was a controversy.

I have called in lawyers and former network executives and a writer who worked for one season on Seinfeld and I am setting up a War Room to respond to these outright lies with legal action and a handful of pitches for a mid-season replacement.

Second, I don't know who you spoke with at the different Shepherd groups but I have been a card-carrying member and contributor to the ASS. (Although it was between 1978 and 1989 so, of course, there would be no current record of me.)

I will not dignify the rest of your ridiculous statement with any further comment.]

[EDITOR'S REBUTTAL: The American Shepherd Society has no record of Jeff Mandel having ever been a member. They responded to us saying "Mr. Mandel has never been in ASS, any ASS entity or participated in any ASS related activity at any time."

Mr. Mandel's statement that he never said that he was "A practicing shepherd" is a disingenuous attempt at splitting semantic hairs. In his opening sentence he writes:

"As a humorist and board certified shepherd trying to find work in Hollywood..."

The modifier "Board-Certified" would tend to imply to any reasonable person that Mr. Mandel is currently a practicing shepherd. In any case, it's simply not true. Mr. Mandel is neither licensed nor board-certified to practice shepherdry in any state!]

[JEFF MANDEL'S "WAR ROOM" RESPONSE: This entire fracas is merely a clumsy attempt to draw attention to a meaningless misstatement that Mr. Mandel still stands by 100% and draw attention away from the important point of his essay, namely, that he intends to marry George Bush's daughter, Barbara. Whether or not Mr. Mandel works as a shepherd now, in the past or has never worked as a shepherd is irrelevant to this issue.]

[EDITOR'S RESPONSE: Which brings us to an interesting point which is, if being a shepherd is irrelevant to Mr. Mandel's position and it's a prevarication anyway, why in God's name was he compelled to put it into his statement in the first place?]

[THE "WAR ROOM" RESPONDS BACK: OK. Picture this. A weird guy who writes comedy and is a shepherd like Jeff or not a shepherd, we're open. (A Nathan Lane type or an Ellen Degeneris, maybe) is covering the Presidential Race and develops a crush on one of the twins, Barbara or Jenna it doesn't matter, so the series is basically this guy's elaborate plots and wacky plans to get the girl to notice him and he's got to deal with like these funny, crazy Secret Service agents and Oh yeah this can work with whoever is in office because we can just create our own reality. And so, like maybe, he's mistaken for a terrorist one time or, you know, sometimes his plan works but he gets the wrong twin or you know, anything you want. It can be as zany as you want.]

We got a great title. It's called "TWO IN THE BUSH!" See? Because, like they're twins so there's two of them and their name is Bush and he never really gets them so they're not the "one in the hand" they're the "two in the Bush" and, like that's who they really are, their name and all...get it?]

Well, here's the outline all written out, we got a bible, 3 sample episodes and sort of a one sentence log-line for 10 more. We were thinking that "Sex in the City" girl is cute and she's out of work now, right? So she could be the one twin. And, well, we hate to bring this up, it isn't a deal-breaker or anything, but Jeff wants us to push and ask if you would consider Barbara Bush for the other twin. I know. But he thinks it would be a way he could meet her and she'd be indebted to him and he might be able to parlay that into going out with her and... No. That's George Bush's grandmother, also named Barbara. No, no. She's George Bush Senior's wife, we meant George Bush Junior's grandmother. No, really, it's his wife! No, I think he is older than her. Well, who knows? Anyway, here's the package. Maybe you can look it over on your flight to New York. We'd appreciate it. And thanks again for the opportunity. Oh yeah, and remember Fred wrote on Seinfeld for a year so there's that... Well, OK. Thanks again.]