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Rattling My Brain
by Phyllis Schlafly

phyllis schlafly Well, once again, the homosexual agenda has got my blood on the boil, so if you read this and see red, it's just me spitting out what we've all been thinking!

This was supposed to be fun. Here I am at the Republican Convention, after years of leading the charge to take the nation back to where it never should have left from in the first place, having finally lived to see the day when not one but two conservatives are President of the United States!

I had my reservations at first about "Vice-President" Cheney-- all that talk in the last election about leaving marriage laws to the states, plus he has a homo in the woodpile, if you get my meaning. Then I remembered, I do too! The Goldwaters have one, so do the Gingrich's-- it's an epidemic! Whatever was God thinking? And that nice Randall Terry adopted one. Couldn't he have stuck with collecting "Precious Moments" figurines?

And in the work place-- it's one scandal after another. I for one don't think it's much of an improvement when government employees have to change their bumper stickers from MY BOSS IS A JEWISH CARPENTER to MY BOSS IS A NEW JERSEY HOMO.

Of course, for gals like my good friend Peggy Noonan, who was born without a vagina, it's all well and good to talk about "tolerance." But with so many round pegs going in so many wrong holes these days, well, pretty soon abortion won't be a problem because there won't be any foetuses to deny the right to life to. People! All you have to do is read either of the two greatest books ever written, the Bible or my own Who Will Rock the Cradle? to know that the Lord said to be fruitful, not fruity!

And now, as if it wasn't enough that the Supreme Court has given homo pornographers the green light to send their filth into our homes over the internet which no normal person can figure out how to turn off, the shocker, (and the reason I am so uncharacteristically outraged), is that it seems that they now have infiltrated, get this, God's Own Party!

They call themselves the "Log Cabin Republicans," (I think it has something to do with that old joke about "how far is the Old Log Cabin inn?" which I never really understood), and they came to the convention to espouse their twisted and abnormal brand of "conservatism," waving (as only they can) a bizarre manifesto full of codewords like "respect" and "freedom" and "civil rights," conveniently omitting "polygamy" and "unregulated internet porn."

Their message is clear: if they had their way they'd turn the Republican Party into an organization that believes people should generally be left alone to live their lives the way they see fit without too much heavy-handed government intrusion. And the most amazing part is, they mean that's for homos too and that's my point.

They've already taken over the theater and the nation's vital fashion makeover industries, not to mention their almost total control of ballroom dancing competitions and television sitcoms... where will it end?

Consider this unretouched photo from a previous convention:

Gay Republicans Log Cabin Republicans preparing for human sacrifice,
followed by showtunes and ciggies.

I'd say it ends here and now... but at the moment I'm passed out in the other room after taking a couple of hormone replacement pills too many. Amazing thing, isn't it? I mean, this is how I look with a vatful of estrogen pumped into me every day... can you imagine if I missed even one dose? There wouldn't be a broom big enough to sweep up the dust! Anyway, while I am sleeping, my nice young secretary William said he would finish up for me, so he's the one putting my thoughts into your brain right now.

So, as I always say, keep your eyes wide open and the other end shut tight, and don't let the gay lobby twist our children's minds-- that's our job!


All celebrity voices are impersonated.