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phyllis schlafly
Ed. note:
Phyllis Schlafly, permanent guest editor of the Modern Mirth Blat, continues to recover from injuries she sustained when attacked with a marital aid by Conservative commentator and "Barely Legal" cover model Ann Coulter. According to Mrs. Schlafly, her only concern is that the massive head trauma she received from the bludgeoning would turn her into a "raging lesbo-maniac, like when I was young."

    In the news:

USA Today has reported that hundreds, perhaps thousands, of top celebrities were not killed in the recent Southeast Asian tragedy. While a complete list of top stars who are still alive following the unprecendented destruction may never be possible, top publicists and magazine editors are working overtime to provide anxious fans with details about how their favorite performers managed to avoid dying in what has been described as the worst natural disaster in recorded human history.

In an eerie coincidence, many top A-list celebs remained safe due to not being in Southeast Asia at the time of the tidal wave. In another bit of unintended good fortune, many of today's hottest film, television and music stars, as well as rich and powerful swimsuit supermodels, do not have homes in the affected areas, so that their multi-million dollar residences in Beverly Hills, New York, London, Rome and the Czech Republic were also spared destruction.

However, Czech supermodel Petra Nemcova was injured in the catastrophe, going 8 hours without food or water during her ordeal. "I haven't felt this full in years," remarked the devestated sexy swimuit supermodel. "I'll have to get back on my regular 2-day-without-food-or-water diet right away!"

swimsuit model

Petra Nemcova: Top Czech swimsuit supermodel who, in an eerie coincidence, was not only injured in the devastating Tsunami disaser but has also graced the covers of many top magazines clad only in a sexy swimsuit. Seen here in a swimsuit.

Modern Medicine Magazine has also announced a special "Body Cast" Photo Issue featuring Nemcova on the cover. A magazine spokesman commented, "We wanted to do our part for the victims of this tragedy, and hopefully the two million dollars we are paying Ms. Nemcova for the cover will give them a reassuring sense of things getting back to normal. Plus, she's hot!"

For the 50th straight year, the Rose Bowl parade was held January 1st, undampened by a single drop of rain, even though the Los Angeles / Pasadena area had been visited by severe storms over several previous days.

According to Mr. Dave Davis, president of the Pasadena Tournament of Roses Association, the traditional sunny skies have been due to a long-standing rule against staging the festivities on Sunday. "God has looked favorably upon the tournament," Davis said.

Upon hearing this, a group of Sri Lankan civic boosters has been organized to bring the Rose Bowl parade to Sri Lanka next year. "Maybe then God will look favorably upon us too, unlike last week," said a spokesman, vowing not to stage the tournament on a Sunday either. "You know we are not all Muslim, we are many Buddhist and Hindu. I just wanted to make that clear to God and Mr. Bush and the kind Rose Bowl people."

Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono vowed that he would return his country to a state of "normal corruption" as soon as humanly possible. "The disaster has required that we enter a period of special corruption, but, depending on the amount of aid we receive and the logistics involved in spiriting most of it out of the country, we should be able to get back to normal corruption within several months."

"Someday, we're all going to laugh about this," commented late-night wise-cracker Jay Leno, adding, with a trademarked chortle, "probably next Tuesday or Wednesday." Leno said that his writing staff was busy trying to find a way to bring the "Dancing Ito-s" out of retirement to add a lighter touch to the admittedly problematic subject. "We're playing with the idea that Ito and Tsunami are both Japanese words, or something like that."

President Bush pledged that he would "bring to justice" those responsible for the unprecedented tidal wave destruction, but he refused to comment on a statement by an unnamed White House offical that linked the disaster to a "Syrian wave machine."

"In any event," the President continued, "this awful event, like the awful events of September the Eleventh, show why we need to make my tax cuts permanent, fix our flawed tort system, and reform Social Security, preferably right out of existence. That's the best way to honor the sacrifices of the brave Tsunami people."

Senator Ted Kennedy responded by suggesting that the tax cuts were in fact responsible the tsunami, prompting an immediate response from the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who placed the blame on "the ACLU, pagans, homosexuals, abortionists and People for the American Way." He then apologized for his remarks, saying that he thought he was being asked about the events of 9/11. He then apologized for those remarks, saying that, except for the pagans and the abortionists, only the terrorists were to blame. He then apologized for those remarks, saying it as all God's fault. He was then struck by lightning and turned into a smoking pile of black ash. God then apologized, saying He was aiming at the pagans. The whole thing is now under investigation by a panel headed by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who is, according to Congressional Quarterly, on record as opposing abortion, tax cuts and tsunamis.

All celebrity voices are impersonated.

RL, DG, & JM